(A) “WOW! He wants to take on our concerns about workload around planning & marking Orco! Did you get the email about Skeletor’s visit this afternoon? I’m sceptical after the last visit though. Interesting agenda: (i) off-the-shelf schemes of work (SOW) and (ii) reducing the need for teacher’s planning time.”
(O) “Yep. Deleted.”
(A) “I assume you read it though? Its pretty insulting on the face of it. Off-the-shelf SOW’s? So our combined professional experience, thinking and expertise is not enough to create purposeful and lasting learning? Yes it takes time, but there is at least authorship and agency when we do it, for the students WE know and in a context WE understand. Oh, and he also wants to speak to you about how you’re going with that SUSPECT Tech.”
(O) “Oh wonderful, feels like my ships come in! No worries though, I’ve been practicing all that corp-talk for moments like this, check it out … Mr Skeletor, I’ve implemented a product test using next-gen edutech’s to ascertain productivity and interrogated the results with a precocious local competitor to extrapolate tends & anomalies.”
(A) “What the hell does that even mean?”
(O) “I did a Maths test with 10C, let them use a graphics calculator and then compared results with Trap-Jaw next door before writing my reports. Should baffle him enough so he leaves me alone.”
(A) “Ha ha, fair play, you sound as bad as Skeletor. I could write a book about what he doesn’t know about education. Nothing like making an already complex job sound more complex! Ah well, at least in future you won’t have to plan that, it will be done for you. I have to go. Got to meet his lordship in the car park.”
(S) “Afternoon Adam. I hope the employees are primed and ready for adopting the SOW’s I’ve bought them for next year and my training session later.”
(A) “I suppose so Mr Skeletor. Not sure what kind of a rise you will get from them. After all it is the last day before the Easter holidays and you only gave us two hours notice. You do pick your moments!”
(S) “That’s because I can. Anyway, whatever, you’ll have your minds blown. You’re going to experience first-hand my own brand of evidence-based multi-sensory training. It’s called Mindset De-Programming and uses our new product The Pedagogical Eliminator. Works a treat. From government to classroom, applies in all environments.”
(A) “Wow, I mean wow, seriously, we’ve been crying out to be told what to do and think. What else can it do?”
(S) “Well, participants can use the product to conjure a narrow range of research to justify any assault on a pedagogy or rubbish a thinker. Pure gold.”
(A) “Riiiggghhhtt. What are we supposed to do with this ‘training’?”
(S) “I don’t know really, we just needed to give the technology a run-out before taking it to market.”
Later that afternoon:
(A) “Hello folks. Sorry to gather you all for whole-staff PD, err sorry, training, on the afternoon of the last day before Easter. Hope the parents don’t arc up too much about the two hour notice! Our owner Mr Skeletor wants to get us up to speed with a system changing strategy which will heavily reduce our workload, diminish our efficacy and make us collaborate on someone else’s planning. We have two hours to master this, that’s it. You can now take off the sheet which is covering whatever is under there.”
(T) “What’s this? Is it a Ouija board?
(S) “On the money Orco! Only the best for my employees. It’s actually scientifically proven to guide workers to follow instructions better. Soon, you’ll be teaching with consistency and without criticality.”
(A) “That doesn’t even make sense. You do realise teachers are capable of thinking and working together very well if given time, resources, expertise and scope to strategise? We actually value professionalism.”
(S) “And that’s what I’ve given you. Two hours, the Pedagogical Eliminator, Me and my strategy. What more do you want?”
(A) “Ughhhh, some trust, some choice, some respect for starters. So this is a simple case of “let’s work as a team and do it my way!”
(S) “Exactly. Now stop wasting time and get in touch with your inner compliant. Have a play with it and I’ll see you in about an hour. I want a unanimous understanding about how to adopt the prescribed programmes and my preferred pedagogies. I’ll be in my office monitoring your work via the main SUSPECT console.”
Skeletor’s office:
(S) “Beast-Man, Trap-Jaw, get in here NOW!!! What is going on? Why are they standing around doing nothing? This is a disaster?
(T) “Ugh boss, they have no idea what to do. They’re used to thinking and exercising judgement and not being told HOW to teach, let alone some wack-job tech doing the thinking for them.”
(S) “Why is EVERYTHING so complicated for these lot? Why do I have to do all the thinking and work. I don’t see them for six months and they still don’t know how to tow the line. I’m going to have to engineer some compliance. Get Man-At-Arms working on a solution!”
(M) “Already on it Sir. This algorithm should audibly pick up any utterance of pedagogic thinking and send an electric shock to those nearest the device to remind them of the PPP – The Pre-Programmed Pedagogy. That’ll learn em.”
Back in the main hall:
(A) “Mr Skeletor, how does this remotely resemble training? The staff have stood around for five minutes, they’re bemused about having to teach what they’re told which has been created by some thinktank or policy-acting enterprise, done little thinking or made a contribution. You’ve siphoned off two studies from the internet and shut down a world of possibilities.”
(S) “Yes, but I have consulted two think-tanks which I am a trustee of and can give you a 100% guarantee that my money has been wisely used to publicise research on what works to stop teachers wasting time thinking and wondering. You can trust these guys.”
(A) “Wonderful, and the reach of this research?”
(S) “Global. We’re now branching out into exam writing, e-textbooks, training and exorbitantly expensive applications. We’re pitching up to every major conference as well as a platinum sponsor!”
(A) “Right, so you are 100% committed and focused on this school, its staff and its students futures?”
(S) “Don’t be daft, of course not. About 20%. The other 80% goes on the other five schools in my portfolio, an equal 20% each.”
(A) “That doesn’t quite work you tool! Delighted to see that we are considered special and a valued educational establishment.”
(S) “Right, enough of this sentimentality. I’ve organised another staff karaoke night – 70’s themed. That’s back when education was quality you know! We kick off in an hour.”
(A) “Great, just great. sure the staff will love that rather than heading off on holiday. Demonstrating that fabled empathy once again.”
